NEW YORK—Supplied with a bullish catalyst because the world was forged into perpetual darkness, brimstone shares rose Tuesday on information that the Antichrist had ushered within the Age of Everlasting Distress. “Frequent shares of brimstone surged to all-time highs after the Antichrist introduced a brand new period of pestilence and endless woe,” mentioned hedge fund supervisor Wayne Rebhorn, who defined that brimstone futures had been climbing ever for the reason that 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse burst onto the scene, disrupting incumbent false prophets. “We anticipate infernal flames of despair and agony to be the prevalent theme for the subsequent millennium at the very least, with brimstone being one of many largest beneficiaries of the macro development. Given the rise in investor curiosity in objects of human torment, at this time’s brimstone costs definitely aren’t low-cost, however there are nonetheless positive factors available once you think about all of the ungodly who will must be forged into fiery lakes of burning sulfur.” At press time, forecasts had projected that brimstone might develop to be a $40 trillion business by the Finish Occasions.