Expensive Presidents, Chancellors and OTHER Non permanent Custodians of My Properties:
Greetings from the Household—I imply, the Administration. You’ve been operating a pleasant little operation there: world-class labs, libraries, free-thinking school, college students from all around the globe who nonetheless imagine within the market of concepts, all asking harmful questions like “Why?” and “What’s your proof?”
It’s over.
Because the founding father of a MAJOR college, I’m right here to say this: We’re gonna do issues my manner now.
First Order of Enterprise: You Want My Safety
As you already know, I’m a SUCESSFUL worldwide businessman. I supply sure international locations—let’s name them “mates”—offers: They pay me a modest consideration, or possibly an enormous, lovely luxurious jet, and I received’t slap them with tariffs to make their financial system bleed out. I supply the identical beneficiant association to greater ed.
Take Crooked Columbia and Brownnosing Brown—good sufficient to return to the desk, hand over the dough and watch my costs vanish like magic. Funding? Flowing once more … for now.
Excessive and mighty Harvard’s nonetheless holding out, although, considering they will win a staring contest. Let’s simply say their subsequent accreditation go to is gonna be … complete.
UCLA? Aka Ineffective Faculty for Leftist Agendas. Rumor is my mates in D.C. have began trying actual shut at their books. Could be a disgrace if we needed to begin accumulating on that billion the arduous manner.
The remainder of you RADICAL LUNATIC LEFT, hear up:
Investigations into your crimes towards America, like “permitting college students to protest” or “letting school disagree with the federal government,” can disappear in a single day … for a value.
Name it a FAVOR from a pleasant accreditor.
However bear in mind, what I giveth I can take awayeth.
I don’t do guarantees; I do BUSINESS. And it’s enterprise time.
Apple, Intel, NVIDIA leap after I say leap. Universities? Little one’s play.
Some say I’m an ANTISEMITISM SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR on campus and certain, I just like the Jews. I’ll take the praise, proper alongside credit score for sprucing up huge, lovely Accomplice statues.
My battle on hate? Let’s simply say it has … vary. And if just a few very advantageous folks occur to be close by, standing again and standing by, ready for the sign to assist CLARIFY my place, properly, that’s simply enterprise.
We Don’t Want Caught-Up Elites Who Suppose They’re So Good
That NASTY WOMAN on the Bureau of Labor Statistics? The one who introduced me cooked-up job numbers I didn’t like? FIRED.
That Georgia political hack who couldn’t discover sufficient votes? ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
Judges who cross me? Demise threats from my cyber goons have them trying over their shoulders.
Your diploma, your Nobel Prize, your instructing awards—SAD! I’ve constructed towers with my identify in gold, hosted the No. 1 actuality present on tv, and put my face on steaks, sneakers and Bitcoin.
So that you publish in that faux Ranger Rick Nature journal. I don’t care in case your lab simply cured most cancers; in case your analysis questions don’t assist my worldview, your grant is pulled and your lab reassigned to our pal of the household on the board, Mikey, who’s very assured about his opinion on quantum biology.
IRB? Extra like, “I’m Wealthy, Buddy.”
Loyalty—to ME—is the one credential that issues.
WOKE School Hiring and Scholar Admissions: GONE-ZO
MARXIST MANIACS who lack American values and good Christian sensibilities don’t have any enterprise shaping our younger peoples’ minds. Cowl letters with Bible verses or Lee Greenwood lyrics will obtain particular consideration.
After I lower extra huge, lovely offers with my AI buddies, the bots will weed out candidate information with the phrases “inclusive excellence” or “diversifying the pipeline.”
No extra “international citizen” snowflake CRAP. In reality, fairly quickly, it’s gonna be all AI on the podium—no vital considering, no unions, no downside.
Worldwide college students are allowed, however solely RICH ones, with no subversive concepts, like democracy, on their social media feeds. No college students from the shithole international locations—you already know the listing. (Come to think about it, I don’t like every nation, so being from one in all our so-called allies received’t assist both.)
NO “underrepresented” something. ONLY OVERREPRESENTED. Racial drawback, adversity, “lived expertise” or some “community-based” {qualifications}? FORGET ABOUT IT.
We’re operating a college, not a sob story contest!
You need to admit a Latina who speaks three languages and began her personal nonprofit? Nice—so long as all three languages are English and she or he’s actually FEMALE.
And whereas we’re at it, ban “non-obligatory” range statements. The one assertion that issues is your pledge of allegiance. To me.
Tutorial Freedom, Suckers!
You thought tutorial freedom meant hiring the perfect students, encouraging debate and letting a thousand concepts bloom.
HILARIOUS!
Any further, FREEDOM means freedom to supply tutorial applications that look identical to those we had in 1952, when America was nice (minus the jazz) and McCarthy knew what greater training ought to appear like.
It took Viktor 10 YEARS to carry his universities to heel. I’m doing it in six MONTHS, outcomes like no person’s ever seen earlier than.
“woMEN’s” research? GONE.
African American literature course? Changed with Nice Books by Even Higher White Males.
School scholarship on vital race principle, gender fairness or, God forbid, local weather science, will get an automated tenure-denial stamp. Come to think about it, tenure? What’s that? Extra like Everlasting Welfare for America-Hating Communists.
Simply watch what you publish, pal. I could make tenure go away actual quick, the identical manner I disappeared USAID.
My good pal VICE CHANCELLOR Rufo will change it with rolling one-year contracts, renewable upon click-through loyalty oath coaching modules.
Additionally, only a heads-up. Any course materials nonetheless utilizing the outdated time period “Gulf of Mexico” can be flagged in our subsequent surveillance spherical. My high patriot and constant adviser, Stephen, suggests: “The Gulf of AMERICA FIRST.” And also you so-called political scientists, get your information proper on who received the 2020 election. You’d finest replace these course supplies, good and clear, and no person’s sabbatical turns into an prolonged keep at Alligator Alcatraz.
Capishe? I don’t need to should slam any extra heads collectively.
It’s time you bought the image, EGGHEADS: Data isn’t energy. Energy is energy.
Thanks on your consideration to this matter!
Your Don
P.S. I’ll allow you to hold your soccer program. You’re welcome.
