He reads bell hooks, buys ethically sourced oat milk, and wears linen with a smug kind of grace. He compliments your shadow work journal and all the time asks for consent. On paper, he’s the dream. However in response to relationship specialists—and 1000’s of TikTokers—he would possibly simply be performing emotional intelligence like he is aware of everybody’s watching.
The “performative male” is the newest poisonous relationship trope surfacing on TikTok, the place movies racking up tens of millions of views present soft-spoken guys sipping matcha, studying on escalators, or successful imaginary boyfriend contests.
3 Delicate Indicators You’re Relationship a ‘Performative Male’
He appears emotionally obtainable, however that’s the act. “You would possibly discover he’s merely promoting the phantasm of emotional depth, with out really placing in any actual effort,” says Sara Tang, an authorized sexologist and relationship coach at sexual wellness model Nancy.
Under, Tang breaks down three delicate indicators you could be relationship a man who’s extra invested in his picture than your relationship:
1. He wants an viewers to care
If he solely expresses affection in Instagrammable methods or wants public validation to really feel safe, it’s price paying consideration. “Real connection doesn’t want an viewers,” says Tang. “It thrives in personal, low-stakes moments. If it disappears when nobody’s watching, that’s not intimacy. That’s efficiency.”
2. His phrases don’t line up along with his actions
He’ll discuss “doing the work” however ghost you mid-conversation when issues get too actual. He preaches self-awareness however can’t deal with being referred to as out. “Authenticity means consistency,” says Tang. “If he shifts relying on who’s within the room, that’s a purple flag—not development.”
3. He avoids actual vulnerability
Floor-level openness is simple. Actual vulnerability requires danger. If he by no means admits to fears, flaws, or uncomfortable feelings, you could be relationship his persona—not him. “He’s centered on projecting an idealized model of himself,” Tang explains. “That creates connection theater, not connection.”
To determine in case your accomplice is definitely emotionally obtainable, Tang recommends watching how they behave when the efficiency stops. “Take note of how he acts when issues aren’t going his manner. That’s the individual you’re relationship—not the curated one.”
Performative conduct isn’t all the time malicious, however it’s hardly ever sustainable. “Significant connection can’t be faked,” Tang says. “It’s constructed by way of constant vulnerability, not aesthetically pleasing feminism.”
