In a uncommon second of bipartisan unity, Individuals throughout the political spectrum confirmed this week that the $4.99 Costco rotisserie rooster is the one factor holding the USA from plunging into full and irreversible financial break.
Economists say the rooster’s miraculous skill to stay beneath 5 {dollars} for over a decade—regardless of inflation, provide chain crises, and a nationwide egg scarcity—has change into the ultimate tether holding the U.S. financial system collectively.
“If that worth ever goes up, we’re speaking Mad Max within the streets,” warned Dr. Harold Fenwick, senior analyst on the American Institute for Fiscal Stability. “No legislation, no order, simply gangs of individuals in leather-based vests using filth bikes and combating during the last chicken within the warming case.”
Costco executives have reportedly confirmed the value will stay fastened “it doesn’t matter what it does to the corporate’s steadiness sheet,” citing a top-secret company philosophy recognized internally as Operation Maintain Society From Consuming Itself.
Buyers agree the rooster is the one product left in America that doesn’t require a private mortgage. “I got here right here for paper towels and left with three chickens,” stated Portland resident Laura Bishop, who admitted she had no actual dinner plans however “simply wanted to really feel one thing reasonably priced.”
The Federal Reserve is rumored to be exploring a radical plan to stabilize the financial system by introducing a “rooster customary,” pegging the worth of the U.S. greenback on to the value of the Costco rotisserie rooster. Beneath this technique, a gallon of fuel might price “0.8 chickens” whereas a median house would possibly go for “74,000 chickens, give or take.”
Monetary specialists warning that if the value ever rises to $5.99, the nation’s fragile financial system might implode inside hours. “It could make the Nice Melancholy seem like a clearance sale,” stated Fenwick.
In unrelated information, FEMA has reportedly stockpiled over 8 million Costco chickens in underground bunkers “simply in case.”
