RANDOM RACE TRACK SOMEWHERE IN CANADA – Conservative chief Pierre Poilievre has launched a brand new marketing campaign advert that includes him driving a shiny blue Chevrolet Corvette round a race observe, after being knowledgeable by his workforce that he wasn’t polling effectively sufficient with middle-aged males who’re at present spiralling.
“My chief marketing campaign strategist observed that I wanted to up my recognition with the ‘offended, divorced dad questioning if he’s wasted his life’ demographic,” Poilievre introduced after profitable his one-man race. “And so he instructed I drive a terrifying, white-knuckle 74 kilometres per hour on digicam for a lil’ bit, to make me extra relatable to them.”
“And hey, nothing says ‘Canada first for a change’ like driving round a automotive famously identified for being made in Kentucky, am I proper, people?” Poilievre requested the gathered reporters, who had by some means managed to seek out him regardless of his finest efforts. “Don’t reply that, you jerkwads know you aren’t allowed to ask me any questions!”
Poilievre’s Director of Communications Sarah Fischer acknowledged that roughly 5 minutes after the advert aired, the Conservative chief’s ballot numbers shot via the roof amongst males contemplating leaving their households to start out a frolf podcast.
“Canadians noticed that advert, and increase: women wished him, and males wished to be him,” Fischer enthused. “Nicely, at the very least males over 35 who equate fancy sports activities cars with their penises, which in accordance with my calculations is at the very least 80% of Mr. Poilievre’s male supporters. The opposite 20% simply get mad when their wives ask them to observe their very own kids for an hour.”
One close by girl, who regarded suspiciously like Poilievre’s spouse Anaida in a blonde wig, asserted that what his automotive industrial lacked in having something to do together with his political marketing campaign in any respect, it greater than made up for in “making Pierre look fuckable as hell”.
“Wow, what a stud,” stated the thriller girl, fanning herself with a marketing campaign leaflet that includes Poilievre photoshopped onto a bike. “I take a look at him and assume, if he wins, he’s gonna give each middle-aged Canadian man a gun to allow them to defend their secret second households.”
“Additionally, any man that votes for Pierre– I imply, Mr. Poilievre– any man who votes for him would by no means have to surrender the cottage within the divorce. Vote Pierre!”
At press time, Poilievre was seen placing up posters that learn, “Voting for me means attractive school ladies will need to date you.”
