1.
“I as soon as walked in on my dad and mom having intercourse. It was probably the most embarrassing half-hour of my life.”
2.
“An escalator can by no means break — it could solely turn into stairs. It is best to by no means see ‘Escalator briefly out of order,’ simply ‘Escalator briefly stairs.’”
3.
“I hate when girls evaluate males to canines. Males should not canines. Canine are loyal. I’ve by no means discovered any unusual panties in my canine’s home.”
4.
“I used to be going to sail across the globe on the earth’s smallest ship, however I bottled it.”
5.
“I do not assume we’re as superb as our dad and mom are… I am not going to have any struggles to inform my youngsters about. What’s my story going to be like? ‘Ah, son, as soon as, once I was flying from New York to LA, my iPad died!'”
6.
“A health care provider gave his affected person six months to stay…however he couldn’t pay his invoice, so he gave him one other six months.”
7.
“Asian girls, we stay without end. And you understand why we’re such dangerous drivers? As a result of we’re attempting to die. We’re like, ‘Yeah! Let me see how invincible I actually am!’”
8.
“My girlfriend makes me need to be a greater particular person — so I can get a greater girlfriend.”
9.
“I hate weddings…they’re needy and boastful. They go, ‘Oh, we’re getting married. Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?’ ‘No. Fuck, no.’ Even the invite is boastful, is not it? It is like a royal decree. ‘You might be cordially invited…’ It is not a fucking honor. I do not wanna go to your shitty marriage ceremony. Know what I imply? And you then go, ‘Oh, proper, yeah. When is it?’ They go, ‘Two years’ time.’ They know you have not received an excuse for 2 years’ time.”
10.
“My sister was with two males in a single evening…she may hardly stroll after that. Are you able to think about? Two dinners? That’s lots of meals.”
11.
“I used to assume the mind was probably the most fascinating a part of the physique. Then I spotted, effectively…look what’s telling me that.”
12.
“If it is a penny on your ideas and you set in your two cents price, then somebody, someplace is making a penny.”
13.
“I as soon as wore a peekaboo shirt. Individuals would peek after which boo.”
14.
“I can’t hearken to any new songs. As a result of each new track is about how tonight is the evening and we solely have tonight. That’s such 19-year-old horseshit. I need to write songs for individuals of their 30s known as ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see one another for eight months and it doesn’t matter in any respect.’”
15.
“I journey lots. TSA appears at my identify, and all of the sudden I’m probably the most fascinating man on the earth. ‘Mr. Mohammed…please step this manner.’”
16.
Mentioned to her boyfriend: “Have you learnt how simple it could be for me to cheat on you? Have you learnt what number of holes I’ve in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese across the block — it’s over for you, dude.”
17.
“Right here’s all you must find out about women and men: Ladies are loopy, males are silly. And the primary cause girls are loopy is that males are silly.”
18.
“You realize, some individuals say life is brief and that you may get hit by a bus at any second and that you must stay every day prefer it’s your final. Bullshit. Life is lengthy. You are in all probability not gonna get hit by a bus, and also you’re gonna should stay with the alternatives you make for the subsequent 50 years.”
19.
“The primary celebration you will have and the final celebration you will have are literally fairly comparable. You simply form of sit there. You’re the least excited particular person on the get together. You didn’t even actually notice that there’s a get together. Each birthday events’ individuals have that will help you blow out the candles. It’s additionally the one two birthday events the place different individuals have to assemble your pals collectively for you.”
20.
“I need a girl…with authentic manufacturing facility settings.”
21.
On unintentionally setting himself on fireplace: “Hearth is inspirational. They need to use it within the Olympics, ‘trigger I did the 100-yard sprint in 4.3. You realize one thing I discovered? If you’re on fireplace and operating down the road, individuals will get out of your manner. Aside from one previous drunk, he’s going, ‘Can I get a light-weight? How about it? Just a bit off the sleeve. Okay?’”
22.
“I used to be identified as an unpleasant little one on the age of 11 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and I didn’t know till then. I actually didn’t, after which he turned that canvas round and my dad was like, ‘Oh my God, it’s uncanny.’ My entire household’s like, ‘Whoa, Nik, it’s you!’ ‘I’m like, ‘Actually? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck tooth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut and a tiny bicycle.’ However then I knew.”
23.
“Why do they name it rush hour when nothing strikes?”
24.
“It is superb how electronic mail has modified our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter within the mail right this moment? ‘What the? Has somebody been kidnapped?'”
25.
“I am paranoid about the whole lot in my life. Even at house on my stationary bike, I’ve received a rearview mirror.”
26.
“I really like being married. It’s nice to search out that one particular particular person you need to annoy for the remainder of your life.”
27.
“I don’t get no respect — once I was born, I used to be so ugly…the physician slapped my mom!”
28.
“I’m fearful of the tuxedo. I will clarify. If you’re a white man and also you placed on a tux, you go from common Joe to James Bond, undercover agent. You look cool. If you’re a Black man, you go from common Joe to Barack Obama. Presidential. If you’re a Latino male, you go from common Jose to waiter.”
29.
“The primary time I see a jogger smiling, I will take into account it.”
30.
“When you odor burning toast, you’re both having a stroke…or simply overcooking your toast.”
31.
“Throwing acid is fallacious…in some individuals’s eyes.”
32.
“I by no means believed in Santa Claus as a result of I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after darkish.”
33.
“When you may go wherever on the earth… I mentioned, ‘Anyplace?’ He mentioned ‘Anyplace.’ I’m like, ‘To the opposite facet of the room. Now please get out of the best way of a lady and her dream.’”
34.
“So my spouse mentioned she learn this text in {a magazine} and he or she mentioned: ‘You realize, possibly you are affected by untimely ejaculation.’ Yeah, does it appear like I am struggling? These aren’t tears in your stomach.”
35.
“All males make errors, however married males discover out about them sooner.”
36.
“I used to play sports activities. Then I spotted you should buy trophies. Now I’m good at the whole lot.”
37.
“I find the money for to final me the remainder of my life…until I purchase one thing.”
38.
“I’m in remedy, which is bizarre as a result of I’m Midwestern. I must be burying this ache in my yard with a pie.”
39.
“I simply joined a health club. I don’t work on the market, I simply joined it. It’s good to have one thing to cancel.”
40.
“I get into arguments with taxi drivers on a regular basis. I get out of the cab and slam the door, however that’s not the best way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The best way to win is you get out of the cab and go away the door open. Then he has to get out, come round and shut the door. Whereas he’s doing that, I’m on the opposite facet, opening the opposite doorways. And we simply preserve going round and round and round. And I received my very own Benny Hill state of affairs happening, and I gained.”
41.
On birthdays throughout his childhood: “After I was 10 there wasn’t trampolines and cartoon characters, I by no means went to Chuck E. Cheese! My mother mentioned, ‘You wanna see a mouse, pull the fridge out!'”
42.
“I used to be sitting in my residence taking part in my favourite residence recreation: Discover the odor. Fortunately, it was me.”
43.
“Alcohol: As a result of no nice story ever began with somebody consuming a salad.”
44.
“When you go to a Black historical past museum and you bought a Black tour information, you might want to go within the morning whereas he’s nonetheless in temper… You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He simply completed that McGriddle. ‘How y’all doing? My identify is Charles, it’s my pleasure to take you on this journey. Have a look at these displays proper right here. Black historical past is American historical past. Come have a look at the displays.’ You assume that brother gonna be in temper at 4:30? He been observing slavery all day. That dude liable to cuss out everyone. ‘Have a look at this shit! Come look what you achieved to us! Look what you — get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!’ You go to the reward store, it’s simply individuals crying.”
45.
“I am a procrastinator, man. It is actually dangerous. It is an issue, you understand? I am anxious finally my bucket record is simply gonna be a bunch of errands I have never run but. How unhappy would that be if my physician was like, ‘You bought just a few months left to stay,’ and I am like, ‘Dang, I received to rush up and body these photographs.'”
46.
“A number of Individuals are affected by melancholy youthful and youthful — our kids are seeing the sippy cup as half-empty.”
47.
“Asian dad and mom are the final group of individuals you possibly can ever persuade to see a physician… Nothing could make my mother see a physician. My mother may have an arrow going proper by her pants and he or she’s attempting to tug it out like Rambo, proper? And also you’re like, ‘Yo, Mother, let’s go see a physician.’ And my mother can be like, ‘No. They only need to take individuals’s cash.’”
48.
“I’m not an enormous supporter of small companies. I’m extra of an enormous enterprise form of man. I like companies so huge there’s one other enterprise inside them, like a Goal with a Starbucks in it. However the actual cause I don’t assist small companies is as a result of I’ve irritable bowel syndrome…you must use their toilet, however these stone-cold killers will look you within the eyes and say no to you even after you say, ‘What if I purchase one among your silly candles?’”
49.
On relationships with immigrant fathers: “You’d be like, ‘Dad, what’s your favourite colour?’ ‘Stanford!’ ‘What? I need to know extra about you.’ ‘Why do you need to find out about me? Get into Stanford!’”
50.
“When you can see the handwriting on the wall…you are on the bathroom.”
